Sunday, May 15, 2011

The hesitation before the big jump

Paris, Paris, Paris,  The city of lights, the city of love... my new home in September 2011.  I'm going to embark on a journey I have only dreamed about for so long and now it is suddenly a reality, and even though I'm excited, its a dream come....I'm terrified, I'm terrified, I'm terrified

I never give myself credit about how much I'm stuck in my comfort zone, how much I'm stuck in this place. For the longest time I would say to myself, "I want to travel, I what to get away, I want to see the world".  And now, now that I have that chance, the chance to run, to go, to fly, to be free and yet I'm scared, I'm terrified,  I'm terrified, I'm terrified. There are so many questions what if, what will happen what will become of me

I bought my plane ticket to Paris on Friday the 13th.  It's funny because, I remember staring at the computer for 5 minutes before I clicked "Finalize Order".  I thought to myself, am I really about to this?  The whole time I starred I thought, "this is it, this is it, it all becomes real now.  So I took a deep breath in and out and clicked Finalize Order.  There, I did it, I've done it, I'm going to Paris.

This week I had a break down, I had a break down because fear took over me.  I've never done anything like this before in my life. As much as I am excited to have an opportunity like this, I'm so scared.  It not like me to leave my comfort zone.  I mean I been to 3 different continents but I never gave it much thought because before I knew it I was back home.  I'm 23 years old and my life has revolved around the same 25 mile radius. Born in Washington DC, moved to Maryland, went to school in DC and moved back home to Maryland.  DC, Maryland, DC, Maryland.  I never really knew how much of an impact this place has on me and even though I want to leave, part of me is not willing to.  I can't believe this is all really happening, I can't believe I am going to Paris, I'm going to Paris, I'm going to Paris.  A dream come true, now a frightening reality.

I hope all the worry and anxiety will go away soon, so that I can get back to being excited about Paris but je ne sais pas.

I wrote this because I needed to be honest with myself before I can be honest with anybody else.  This journey I'm about to embark, will be a chance to learn about myself, and how I can handle myself in a new place.  I will be in another country with a completely different culture, language and way of life; and me, the Nigerian-American girl, sheltered and yet spunky, sassy and spontaneous has to somehow fit in and deal with it.  I can't help but fear, there are so many unknowns, where will I live, what will I eat, what will I do, will I have any friends, will I kiss a boy...I don't know. I want to be excited but I can't quite shake this feeling off yet.

Maybe it's just the preparation jitters, it'll going away soon....right?

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

aujourd'hui, j'ai 23 ans.....

So today, le 4 mai, I turned 23! WOW, I am 23 years. I'M 23 YEARS OLD!

As I sit inside the library preparing for my finals (as I usually do during my birthday), I can't help but think about my past and my future.  It has been an incredible 22 years and for my 23rd, I know that God has great plans in store for me.  I mean within this 23rd year of my life, I will be moving to France, something that 16 year old me would have thought was an impossible dream. But it's going to happen and I'm actually doing it!

It's funny becasue when I tell people I'm turning 23, they all say "aww, you're getting old now Ugomma". Oh please 23, old, give me a break.  I refuse to call myself old and I don't plan on using such a term until I actually am old, like full gray hair, wrinkles, you name it.  So no, I am NOT old, but I do feel older, I feel more mature, a bit wiser and yet I feel a sense of  "the best is yet to come", and to be honest I like it.  I don't want to be one those "Oh I wish I was 18" type of people becasue the past is in the past and all I can do is move forward.  And besides, with all the chaos that occurs everyday in our world, the fact that I am alive and 23 years old is a blessing that I do not want to tarnish by wishing I was younger.

so......Joyeux Anniversiare a moi!!