The hesitation before the big jump

Paris, Paris, Paris,  The city of lights, the city of love... my new home in September 2011.  I'm going to embark on a journey I have only dreamed about for so long and now it is suddenly a reality, and even though I'm excited, its a dream come....I'm terrified, I'm terrified, I'm terrified. 

I never give myself credit about how much I'm stuck in my comfort zone, how much I'm stuck in this place. For the longest time I would say to myself, "I want to travel, I what to get away, I want to see the world".  And now, now that I have that chance, the chance to run, to go, to fly, to be free and yet I'm scared, I'm terrified,  I'm terrified, I'm terrified. There are so many questions what if, what will happen what will become of me

I bought my plane ticket to Paris on Friday the 13th.  It's funny because, I remember staring at the computer for 5 minutes before I clicked "Finalize Order".  I thought to myself, am I really about to this?  The whole time I starred I thought, "this is it, this is it, it all becomes real now.  So I took a deep breath in and out and clicked Finalize Order.  There, I did it, I've done it, I'm going to Paris.

This week I had a break down, I had a break down because fear took over me.  I've never done anything like this before in my life. As much as I am excited to have an opportunity like this, I'm so scared.  It not like me to leave my comfort zone.  I mean I been to 3 different continents but I never gave it much thought because before I knew it I was back home.  I'm 23 years old and my life has revolved around the same 25 mile radius. Born in Washington DC, moved to Maryland, went to school in DC and moved back home to Maryland.  DC, Maryland, DC, Maryland.  I never really knew how much of an impact this place has on me and even though I want to leave, part of me is not willing to.  I can't believe this is all really happening, I can't believe I am going to Paris, I'm going to Paris, I'm going to Paris.  A dream come true, now a frightening reality.

I hope all the worry and anxiety will go away soon, so that I can get back to being excited about Paris but je ne sais pas.

I wrote this because I needed to be honest with myself before I can be honest with anybody else.  This journey I'm about to embark, will be a chance to learn about myself, and how I can handle myself in a new place.  I will be in another country with a completely different culture, language and way of life; and me, the Nigerian-American girl, sheltered and yet spunky, sassy and spontaneous has to somehow fit in and deal with it.  I can't help but fear, there are so many unknowns, where will I live, what will I eat, what will I do, will I have any friends, will I kiss a boy...I don't know. I want to be excited but I can't quite shake this feeling off yet.

Maybe it's just the preparation jitters, it'll going away soon....right?

aujourd'hui, j'ai 23 ans.....

So today, le 4 mai, I turned 23! WOW, I am 23 years. I'M 23 YEARS OLD!
I.......am.......23.

As I sit inside the library preparing for my finals (as I usually do during my birthday), I can't help but think about my past and my future.  It has been an incredible 22 years and for my 23rd, I know that God has great plans in store for me.  I mean within this 23rd year of my life, I will be moving to France, something that 16 year old me would have thought was an impossible dream. But it's going to happen and I'm actually doing it!

It's funny becasue when I tell people I'm turning 23, they all say "aww, you're getting old now Ugomma". Oh please 23, old, give me a break.  I refuse to call myself old and I don't plan on using such a term until I actually am old, like full gray hair, wrinkles, you name it.  So no, I am NOT old, but I do feel older, I feel more mature, a bit wiser and yet I feel a sense of  "the best is yet to come", and to be honest I like it.  I don't want to be one those "Oh I wish I was 18" type of people becasue the past is in the past and all I can do is move forward.  And besides, with all the chaos that occurs everyday in our world, the fact that I am alive and 23 years old is a blessing that I do not want to tarnish by wishing I was younger.

so......Joyeux Anniversiare a moi!!

...et il commence!

So, now that I'm am officially a part of the TAPIF program, this means that I am officially about to deal with the "pain-in-the-assness" that is French bureaucracy!  Today I mailed in the CERFA, which is the form that needs to be filled out so that I can a.) get my work contract and b.) get my visa.  I've already heard horror stories from many about how annoying the paperwork process is, so I have psyched myself to be prepared  for the absolute worst and the utmost annoyance.  But who knows, maybe I'll get lucky and the process will go smoother than expected (but again thats a BIG maybe!).  My only wish is that I get my contract ASAP so that I can quickly move onto another more annoying part of the process!

As excited as I've been about this journey I am about to embark upon, I can't help but feel a sense of fear.  I've only ever been on a plane without my family once but I have never dome anything close to this program before.  Whether I liked it or not, I've always been a sorta home-body, my life so far as always revolved around the same 25 mile radius, so moving to another country with a different language and being expected to hustle like everyone else for a euro...wow, it all seems soo real, almost too real.  I think it just my nerves getting the best of me, especially since my family doesn't yet know, so I'm am worried about their reactions.  I can't wait to get my work contract so that I can start looking for a proper place, not that it's stopping me now, but there are so many options and I can't agree to any of them without knowing where I'm going to be.

Turn that frown upside down!

So as you all are very ware by my last post, I was waitlisted for the TAPIF program.  Of course this sad/ slightly devastating news bummed me out and made me reconsider my whole life for a second becasue i was really hoping to be accepted.

Well, 16 days after that email, I got another email today:

I got accepted to the Académie de Créteil!!!

OMG OMG OMG, soooo excited and I mean really excited.  I was in the library studying when I got the email and I literaly started screaming and jumping up and down, "I'm going to Paris!" "I'm going to Paris!" "I'm going to Paris!" 

Now of course I know Créteil is not quite Paris but it is the Paris region, so there is a possibility that I can live in Paris and commute (and trust me being from MD and having a job in DC I am more than familiar with commuting to work!) 

Whew...so in the meantime I need to start doing research on Créteil, seriously brush up on my French and dust off my teaching skills by volunteering at my old job.

The REAL agony begins now.....

Well, I got the email I have been waiting for for 4 months now and.....

I was waitlisted

When I saw it my first response was *Gasp*.  I couldn't believe it, I felt like I had done everything right and that I was qualified for the program, almost so that I felt kinda insulted by the email.  Well I guess it's better than a flat-out rejection.  So, the real agony begins nows....I will hear a final response as to whether or not there is a spot for me by July 1st.  Great, just what I needed more waiting.  Well, the only thing I plan on doing is to hope for the best, but prepare for the absolute worse.


Well, I'm still pretty bummed by the news and it will probably keep me bummed for the rest of the week.

...in other news, I lost 5 pounds! Random happy tidbit I wanted to share.

tick....tock...

This pretty much sums up how I feel right now.  I've made it nearly to the end of March but when April arrives then the waiting becomes much more painful.  I put my application on the back burner throughout January and February but now, now I the agony of the wait has sunken in, and my patience is truly being test.

I can't seem to focus or concentrate very well.  The rest of this year will be determined by the contents of the email from TAPIF.  For goodness sake, this is a year in France we're talking about! (and yet, Maman très chère is stillclueless about my plans...)

The more I think about how close I am to getting my response letter, the more I really want to do this program.  I need a break from life, the pursuit of life in medicine and well, a break for the good ol US of A.  I've been thinking about what my reaction would be to either response. I mean I honestly don't see myself crying if I didn't get it, becasue hey c'est la vie, things happen for a reason and maybe it wasn't my time (even if I wanted it to be). 

But just it case:

This has nothing to do with travel but......

Rest in Peace

Elizabeth Taylor