The hesitation before the big jump

Paris, Paris, Paris,  The city of lights, the city of love... my new home in September 2011.  I'm going to embark on a journey I have only dreamed about for so long and now it is suddenly a reality, and even though I'm excited, its a dream come....I'm terrified, I'm terrified, I'm terrified. 

I never give myself credit about how much I'm stuck in my comfort zone, how much I'm stuck in this place. For the longest time I would say to myself, "I want to travel, I what to get away, I want to see the world".  And now, now that I have that chance, the chance to run, to go, to fly, to be free and yet I'm scared, I'm terrified,  I'm terrified, I'm terrified. There are so many questions what if, what will happen what will become of me

I bought my plane ticket to Paris on Friday the 13th.  It's funny because, I remember staring at the computer for 5 minutes before I clicked "Finalize Order".  I thought to myself, am I really about to this?  The whole time I starred I thought, "this is it, this is it, it all becomes real now.  So I took a deep breath in and out and clicked Finalize Order.  There, I did it, I've done it, I'm going to Paris.

This week I had a break down, I had a break down because fear took over me.  I've never done anything like this before in my life. As much as I am excited to have an opportunity like this, I'm so scared.  It not like me to leave my comfort zone.  I mean I been to 3 different continents but I never gave it much thought because before I knew it I was back home.  I'm 23 years old and my life has revolved around the same 25 mile radius. Born in Washington DC, moved to Maryland, went to school in DC and moved back home to Maryland.  DC, Maryland, DC, Maryland.  I never really knew how much of an impact this place has on me and even though I want to leave, part of me is not willing to.  I can't believe this is all really happening, I can't believe I am going to Paris, I'm going to Paris, I'm going to Paris.  A dream come true, now a frightening reality.

I hope all the worry and anxiety will go away soon, so that I can get back to being excited about Paris but je ne sais pas.

I wrote this because I needed to be honest with myself before I can be honest with anybody else.  This journey I'm about to embark, will be a chance to learn about myself, and how I can handle myself in a new place.  I will be in another country with a completely different culture, language and way of life; and me, the Nigerian-American girl, sheltered and yet spunky, sassy and spontaneous has to somehow fit in and deal with it.  I can't help but fear, there are so many unknowns, where will I live, what will I eat, what will I do, will I have any friends, will I kiss a boy...I don't know. I want to be excited but I can't quite shake this feeling off yet.

Maybe it's just the preparation jitters, it'll going away soon....right?

A weighty issue....

Ok so this post stems from an interesting conversation I had on Sykpe today with my Italian friend in Rome.  We were doing the usual and talking his relationship troubles with his girlfriend, when I jokingly told him:

"Hey, you know, when I come to visit you, you need to hook me up with one of your friends"!

Completely perplexed by this phrase he said:

"Hook me up, what does means?"

So I said:

"You know hook me like you need to introduce me to one of your friends".  

His response was: 

"Ohhh Yes, Ugomma....but you need to be slim".

I became silent and couldn't say another word.  After 10 seconds of silence he explained, 

"Because...well you know in Italy they like the women slim not big, and my friends are this way.  I don't think this way, I like women with the meat but my friends, no."

My response: 

"Oh.............ohhhhh......."

This comment lead him to a very long tangent about his friends who have visited and about how they had preconceived notions about what American women look like because of the American movies they watched, but when they landed on the good 'ol US of A, their dream were quickly thwarted by the sea of fat American women.  I became defensive and my inner-American-patriot came out and I told him:

"Well you have to remeber, in America we have may people of differnt cultures and races, I mean, theren't even that many black women in Italy. And most black women carry weight differntly then white women.  We have bigger hips, butts and breats, we not just fat".

So he said:

"Yes, but I think American food is very bad.  How many hamburgers do you eat in a week?"

At this point I could feel my face starting to flush and I yelled:

"Hey, just because I'm American DOES NOT mean I eat hamburgers every fucking day.  I don't have the money to eat like that and I wouldn't want to eat like that!"

So of course, him being the great Italian he is, responded:

"You know, you should do the Mediterranean Diet".

At this point I didn't want to go any further, so I said:

"Ok"

.....quite the conversation, huh?  To be honest it was the first time in my whole entire life that a man other than my father inenvertedly called me fat.  When he said "I need to be slim", it was strange, initially I didn't get angry or upset I just kinda sat there.  I knew he was telling the truth because the truth is I am fat overweight and I would like to be slim and I'm trying very hard to lose as much weight as possible before going to Europe, but I was completely taken aback that he was so direct. I mean in the US it's unheard of for a man to talk about a woman's weight.  I'm used to girlfriends giving me "Oh, Ugomma your a thick girl, but it would be nice if you lost a few" but for a man to call me out on my weight without any reservation....wow.....speechless.  When we had this conversation at first I didn't think to much about it. wait that's a lie, I did think about it because I totally texted my friend about it an hour later.  But sitting here many hours after the conversation, I am starting to feel the weight of his words.  I know he probably didn't intend to be hurtful but damn, is this what I'm going to have to deal with in Europe?  As an American I'm accustomed to the naiveté of topics about weight, so I completely felt out of place when he was so honest with me, and it felt kinda crummy. 

The big green giant...

Wow as crazy and boring things have been at home, I am SHOCKED how fast time seems to be going! It's already been a while since my last post, I already said that I'm bad with these types of things and I was about to continue my avoidance dance but I got inspired by a recent (like in the last  24 hours) chain of events.  To put a long story short, as you all know (and by all, I mean anyone who cares to read this blog), I have a very bad itch to travel and spend some time abroad.  So right now I am completing an application for an teaching assistant position on France.  I'm pretty much done with 75% of the application, but the essay, yes, the dang essay has me stumped! I have a million ideas floating in my head and I kinda know what I want to say, but I can't seem to put it in words and on paper, let alone translate it into French.  Every time, like earlier today, when I try to write things down my mind loses focus and suddenly I am bombarded with thoughts of joy, hope, fear, stress and even failure.

....but I digress, that's still not what inspired me to write today.  Even though I am applying for this program and if when I get in I know it will be a great opportunity for me, right now in the present, my body is not abroad, rather stuck in the suburbs performing a regurgitating task of going to school, going to work and paying bills.  I have to time for my self because every free moment I have I use it to catch up on sleep.  I haven't even been looking forward to the holidays because any money made is spent on tuition payments and time off for the holidays = overtime at work and a couple more hours of sleep. I don't even have the luxury of procrastinating school work and going out because I am no longer in the city, where there are ample opportunities of distraction.  I feel like the old, adventurous and spontaneous me is slowly being devoured by suburbia.  I mean tonight I realized that I have not worn any mascara or eyeliner in 3 months! I simply don't have the energy to put them on because what's the point? what's the point, wow never thought I would believe such a thing.  I don't know where all this is coming from and why I feel this way sometimes, I mean I'm only 22.  Theoretically, I have plenty of time to explore and see what the word has to offer.  But saying that and actually believing it are as different as French and Chinese, because the truth is I WANT IT NOW! I don't want to wait, I don't want to be wise and sensible, I WANT TO LIVE! there I said it (and it feels good to be honest)!  But even with this frustration, I calm down because I have been patient with myself and with the Lord, I mean its not like I have ran away from home yet.

My friend booked a flight to Paris, as described on her facebook.  When I saw the post, literally my 1st response was "*Gasp*, what the hell?!" I was shocked and envious because she literally just came back from the Caribbean and now she's off to Europe.  I thought to myself, "Damn, for once why can't that be me".  Well duh, I don't have the money to do that and she does. Yet even though I'm aware of this, my skin still began to take on a greenish hue and envy slowing began to take up every space in my veins, like a poison.  I had to calm myself down so that I wouldn't have another temper tantrum and don't get me wrong, I am very happy for my friend and I'm glad she has the resources to travel and I would never do anything to stop her, but seeing her travel made me feel like she was doing everything I wanted to do but haven't.  Instead of being upset, I decided to try to let go of the envy and let God (you know "let go and let God").  I prayed out loud and said God please be with me right now and dissolve these feelings I'm having and let your will be done.  The prayer certainly helped because I didn't think about it for the rest of the night.  The other source of inspiration was from the blogs of one of my favorite traveling sistas Oneika.  I decided to read her past blogs and I came across some post she made after her teaching position in Mexico.  She was struggling with the decision to stay home for a year or pack her bags and go.  It was really refreshing to hear someone who went through the same struggles I am am dealing with now, I'm not the only one with that itch.

I am going to finish that damn essay and reintroduce myself to my eyeliner (maybe)!

...a blast from my recent past (this is what I look like with eyeliner and mascara).